Kindness Is a Two-Way Road
Photo credit @anthonytran
It was a warm Summer day, the kind that warms your skin and lifts your mood. But a call later in the afternoon made the world stop on its track. They were not good news, at least not the ones that we ever expect to get. From that moment on, the world, my world at the very least, was going to look a little bit different and scarier.
But I don’t scare easily. In fact, my body is wired to fight so when things get difficult I put on my boxing gloves or my armature, whatever is needed before I face the ring. That day, though, I could not move much. After the initial shock, I went to my studio to try to process the news in the best way I know: through prayer and meditation. I lit up a candle, turned up the music and sit down in silence while tears started flowing down. I sat with the fears, with the pain and the uncertainty. I let it all flow while I observed from a distance in a intent to be mindful while I allowed the numbness to shake out of my soul. I felt the hands of a thousand angels holding me up; I felt the warm embrace of loved ones surrounding me; I felt the certainty that the journey I was about to embark on was not going to leave me unchanged. All of that had proven to be true.
As I opened my eyes, aware of the significant moment I was experiencing, I took my journal and wrote my goals for the journey I was about to embark on. What was I going to learn? What was I willing to master? What parts of myself I was going to surrender and what parts I was going to embrace? Two answers came to mind, and I wrote them with big letters, the way one signs a declaration of independence:
1. I am going to learn to be selfish
2. I am going to learn to receive the help I need.
Photo credit: @kellysikkeima
They might seem like simple tasks. For me, they are challenges of Titanic dimensions.
From the first moment on, I started working through the word “selfish”. I admit my fault: I usually put others before me even when I am way past my point of physical and emotional exhaustion.
Photo credi @giulia_bertelli
Photo credi @giulia_bertelli
Since I was under unusual circumstances I quickly started replacing the value I had assigned to giving away myself in a selfless parade. From that moment on, the task was to stop believing I was selfish when in truth I was just showing up for myself with self-love, self-respect and my favorite, self-compassion. So, for the first time and thanks to my unforeseen circumstances, I started practicing the art of placing the whole world’s needs second to mine. I started practicing, uncomfortably at first, how to take care of myself the same way we are required to put our oxygen masks on the plane before helping others.
I learned to become comfortable with saying no to things that were not aligned with my self-love. Was leaving everything I was doing right at the moment for someone else an act of self-love? If the answer was no, then I wouldn’t do it. Was anything in my agenda more important than self-care? Was saying no to something that did not sit well with my soul an act of self-respect? Those were the kind of questions that led me on the path towards abandoning or at least rescinding from the invisible whip I used to punish myself when I thought I was selfish for putting myself first.
And for that I was grateful!
Then off to the second goal: accept help. From the first moment on, family and friends filled me with words of encouragement, delivered beautiful flowers, constant check-ins and calls, prayers, inspirational messages. I took it all in with tons of gratitude. But as the weeks progressed the help offered become more tangible: taking Leo on a playdate, cooking, accompanying me to appointments (which is not allowed in these times of COVID anyways), picking things at the supermarket. I found myself thanking the help but saying I really did not need it, most of the time.
Photo credit @matthewhenry
I am guilty, I know. It is so hard for me accept help, and ask for help…well, that is even more difficult. I have had to go explore what is at the root of that. It is not a matter of ego. It is not that I want to portray myself as a super woman. It is no that I don’t want to owe anything to anyone. After a lot of self-examination I realized the reason I had such a hard time accepting help is because I do not want to bother others. If I could do it myself why to make other do it? It is as if I had placed a high value to self-sufficiency. Are you thinking what I am thinking now that I say it aloud? Yes, that sounds very, very stupid and absurd.
It sounds particularly ridiculous because I love to help. So I should know the motives why someone may want to help me, right? One of my favorite things in this world is to have people home, cook for them, make them feel pampered and spoiled. I am the one who would occasionally bring breakfast in a tray to my kids to wake them up with their favorite food. I driven so many thousand of miles taking my kids to so many places so that they can be happy or receive the best care they can get. I worked for hours planning parties for loved ones so that they can have memorable celebrations. I volunteer. I am giving, always. But somehow, I am unwilling to receive help.
Photo credit @beccatapert
Months into my journey with many lessons under my belt, I received another blow because life works like that: there is never a single hit, but simultaneous opportunities to break us from every angle. A woman I know saw me, probably seeing my palpable numbness and exhaustion, and when she asked how I was doing I related the latest set of events. A few hours later, she offered to bring dinner for us. My first attempt was to say no. After all, cooking is one of my therapies. But then I heard my internal voice that said “and why not?”
So, I said something I wouldn’t have said in the past. I said yes!
This woman showed up on our house with a delicious tray of delicacies: a delicious chicken soup, a spongy bread, cookies. As soon as I closed the door I started crying, I was so moved. She did not have to do that, but she did. I did not need it, but it was so appreciated. It felt so foreign and good to accept the help. It felt liberating!
As I stood in the kitchen looking at the tray, I heard my internal voice whispering the truth:
“Kindness is a two-way road.”
How could I have known for so long the importance of living my life with kindness -in acts, in words, in attitude - towards my loved ones, towards those who are not part of my circle or those that even think differently than me. Kindness is so high in my list of values but I have lived denying others’s their own acts of kindness towards me. How hypocritical!
“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”
In design, there is a concept that implies that for a logo to work you need to be able to reverse it. A logo that only works with black letters over a white background is an inefficient one. In fact when presenting a client with a new design identity, a graphic artist should present the logo in different colors and backgrounds to make sure it stands out and it is adaptable. In life, many of the biggest truth seemed to be put to the test the same way. If we want to know how important honesty is for us, we need to ask ourselves not only how we act accordingly, but also how do we act in the face of a break of ethic principles. If we want to find out how good our discipline is, we need to evaluate not how persistent we are in the things we love to do, but in the activities we actually dislike.
For me, learning to live a life of kindness needed to expand beyond the selfless acts of giving myself away for others’ happiness. In order to be coherent, I needed to learn to accept kindness in return, not only when I needed it the most and I was more vulnerable, but also when somebody offered it because they felt like it. We all know that helping others makes us feel good. Who did I think I was to deny those moments of satisfaction to others? Letting them take care of me is not only the way I learn to place my self-love high on the list of my priorities, it is the way I become ready to take and offer kindness. It is hard, but it is so humbling! It is like a signing up for a game of kindness exchange: once we stop receiving, the game is over.
As I looked back into my journal entry of that memorable day I realized I am not the same person I was. For once I have learned very quickly to stop feeling selfish when I put my care first. Second, I have broken the chains that made it so hard to accept help. It is still a work in progress as I do falter frequently. I have discovered that there are many arms willing to embrace us in our toughest times; there are people that really care how we feel without offering judgmental advice; there are people that do not know what to say and still reach out; there are people that do not want to intrude and still find courage to inquire how we are doing; there are people that have the sweetest gestures and still want to remain unseen; there are people that care and suffer our losses as if they were their own; and there are people that teach us that kindness is still abundant in this otherwise crazy world. Every time we care, every time we receive their affection we are planting seeds in this universal garden of love. And the only way to get there in through a two-way road. We get what we give and as in karma and in design, we also give what we are willing to receive. Selflessness does not imply giving ourselves away until there is nothing left of us. True selflessness recognizes when we need to take care of ourselves in order to preserve the best part of us. And when a kind heart shows up, it takes a lot of humbleness to accept that help. I am so grateful to all the teachers that came disguised as family, friends and acquaintances who have helped me become a best version of myself, and also to give away and to receive with open arms. Random acts of kindness? No way! Mostly deliberate opportunities to help connect us to one another, it does not matter on what way of the street we are traveling.
Photo credit @timmarshall
With gratitude to all my kind angels!
For more inspiring articles visit Alfonsina’s blog