A Blind Eye And An Open Soul
by Alfonsina Betancourt
I might be either the most illusory person on earth or I live in an alternative reality but I do believe that the universe, God, Higher Being, however we want to call it, is always watching after us. That is my safety net! Whatever happens, does so for a reason and a master plan that I don’t necessarily understand at the moment. This allows me to release the reins when the road gets bumpy. Kind of like saying “I am not sure why I am going through this, but I am sure there is a plan that will work on my benefit at the end.”
This approach that I called stubborn optimism had helped me in so many occasions.
And then life decided to play some kind of dark joke on me and my theory went overboard with the ease of an autumn leave on a stormy day.
Jeremy Bishop / Unsplash
Lately, the theme of my meditations have been geared towards achieving clarity of vision and thought. So on Friday night I did a final mediation in bed just before going to sleep. With the lights off, I set up my intention: “Please let me see clearly; not through rose-colored glasses, not through biased vision. Let me see the truth. Put all cards on the table for me because I want to SEE.” I sealed my meditation and breathed deeply before relaxing myself to sleep. Although the lights were off and I could sense my husband was starting to fall asleep, I decided to turn around one last time to tell him good night again. In absolute darkness, in the middle of the night, I did not see his hand was lifted. My eye met his finger at full force, his nail buried in my eye. The pain was unbearable, as if I had a piece of glass stuck in my eyelid.
David Travis / Unsplash
The following day I had to stop for an emergency visit to the ophthalmologist who said I had a severe case of cornea abrasion in the middle of the eye, which prevented me from seeing anything from one side. My pain threshold is really high. I have had nine surgeries and doctors and nurses always comment on how strong I am. Well, that pain in my eye is one of the worst and most uncomfortable I have ever experienced.
But pain is pain; it goes away. But the irony of the moment, of being blinded two seconds after asking to be able to see clearly did not get lost on me. I did not know if I should laugh about it or cry. I did both. A day later, the faucet in my lids opened up and I haven’t been able to stop crying.
This was an unfortunate accident, one that I am already recovering and shouldn’t have long term consequences from. My soul did not care about that and could not stop the tears from forming. It was not the physical pain, it was the emotional one.
This year has been hitting me really hard since it began. I have heard 2020 is a year of transformations for humanity. So far, I still feel like I am in a burning oven. As soon as I deal with a challenge, another one appears, and another one, and another one. It has been hard to catch a breath. I have been in fighting mode all year. My armor has become my second skin and I have remained optimistic most of the time. After all I have a 100% survival rate and I wasn’t going to let this be the year that changed. I have cried a lot, but I have also laughed, made jokes, tried to go as light as possible.
Fe Barboza / Unsplash
But then, my eye got puck, my vision altered and suddenly my body just couldn’t take it anymore. It was as if my whole body had been so tender from so many hits that even the touch of a feather would have sent me on a crying frenzy.
I couldn’t (or can’t) take it anymore.
Has that ever happened to you too? Like you want to lock yourself on a closet, close your eyes and wait for the sun to come out? Has it ever happened to you in one of those moments to think that you are crazy, that the show must go on, that you don’t want to bother anyone, that you need to focus on positive thoughts? Has it ever occurred to you that being strong means pushing away all the pain?
Yes, yes and yes. Until now…But I am done!
Every pain is painful. It is one of those situation where size really does NOT matter. Do you have a bigger pain than mine? Who cares? Everyone’s suffering is valid. But when we tell someone they should remain positive and lively no matter what they are going through, we are invalidating what they feel. Because maybe their pain is not only a sore eye. Maybe it is an accumulations of hits in the body and the soul that make them feel like they are full of open blisters in a sea of thorns. Let them have their pain before they heal. Let them have their emotions without the extra pressure to smile at the world.
Just as an act of serendipity when I returned from the ophthalmologist I started listening to Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast with Emily and Amelia Nagoski on Burnout. The host read a quote from Burnout that felt like a shower of warm water.
Listen to the podcast HERE
“In short, emotions are tunnels. If you go all the way through them, you get to the light at the end. Exhaustion happens when we get stuck in an emotion.”
ZHENYU LUO / Unsplash
I understood what was happening to me. I have been fighting problems, putting off fires non stop, coming up with solutions, facing adversity with determination thinking that dealing with the problems will take care of the emotions. But as this podcast episode made me realize, ending a problem does not solve our emotional dilemmas which uncoded can become a source of extreme exhaustion. Basically, that is what you can find me and I am sure, I am not the only one in that spot.
Do you feel that sometimes being positive does not bring you the relief you though it should? Do you feel that putting a smile all the time only brings temporary relieve rather than permanent processing of our emotions? Are you ready to deflate this armor of invincible fighter? Are you willing to become vulnerable?
If you say yes I want you to know you are not alone. You have me, maybe others too. I wish I could call on a tribe of courageous people who are willing to admit that sometimes the pain is huge and it does not go away with a smile and that hurting does not make us cowards, it makes us humans. I am still an optimist because I know things will turn out OK at the end, but right now, I grant myself permission to admit that sometimes it feels really hard.
I might not be as strong as I think I am, or maybe I am stronger than what I ever thought. It seems that being temporarily blinded in one eye has brought me some clarity after all. I have realized how heavy my armor was. I have also discovered that I don’t want to keep sheltering pain behind a smile. But don’t be afraid, I will still keep smiling because I love searching for reasons to do that. And when you see me crying don’t think I have succumbed to pessimism; I have only accepted my humanity with all its facets. I guess I owe a thankful note to the universe after all that made me see blurry before I could recover my vision. In the meantime, universe, no more crazy jokes or extra trials please. My armor needs a rest and so do I so that I can cry and smile and process all of my emotions as I need to.
Temporarily embracing my inner Captain Hook
If you feel that you want to let your armor down for a while, please let me know at alfonsina@alfon-art.com and let’s find a way to built a tribe of vulnerable souls .